The Sacrifice
by Morgana Maeve
Summary: -Crack- -Axel.Roxas- -AU- When it rains, humans want sun. When it's hot, they want rain. What's a god to do? Especially when they start making sacrifices.
1. Part 1

The Sacrifice

Morgana Maeve

Think of it a smutty spoof of those god/sacrifice relationships.

Warning: Axel/Roxas for the most part. Lots of crack. Major AU. Rated M for Axel's perverseness.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot. Square and Disney all own the characters, but one day I will steal them all. Bwahahahaha!

(oOo)

It was hot. Not in that humid sense, where everybody knows rain is imminent, but in that dry sense, where everybody knows that rain has forsaken their little desert oasis and that there will be mass panic until rain has been restored.

And of course, like most backwater paradises surrounded by sand, the people inhabiting this oasis were very religious, steeped within the lore of ancient gods and goddesses, temples and shrine built to every deity conceivable, daily offerings left on altars.

So when the heat wave began and rain didn't fall for five days, the people became a little worried that maybe, somehow, they had offended their gods. The priests didn't help matters, running amok in the streets, waving their staffs and scrolls, screaming about the end of ages and the approaching doom. Naturally, the rest of the small population was thrown into a frenzy, leaving offerings of giant coconuts for the water god nearly ten times a day, smearing themselves with dirt and weeping in their yards, praying for rain.

Had they been asked, these people would have answered, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we are sane."

The gods thought otherwise.

"I don't get them!" wailed the water god, burying his head in his arms. "What more do they want from me?!"

"They want water," said the fire god. Both were hanging out on the balcony of their palace, watching the oasis people run around in a heat-induced panic. Though they shared the place with ten other gods and goddesses, the palace was so ridiculously huge that they could go days without seeing each other. And that was good, because half of the gods hated the other half, and the lone goddess of the palace hated everyone.

Demyx shook his head. "I know they want water," he said, "but every time I give them rain, they complain!" Axel shrugged.

"Then don't give them rain," the red-haired fire god said. "It's not like it matters to us much."

"If I don't give them rain, they send me coconuts. I hate coconuts!"

"Humans are so fickle," said a new voice, and the lightning goddess strolled in, munching on one aforementioned coconut. "They never know what they want. We can give them the rain they're asking for, but then they complain that they never see the sun. So we give them sun, and then they complain it's too hot and that they need rain. I say we exterminate the lot of them." Larxene laughed, a pretty but very ominous sound. Axel began to back towards the exit.

"Nobody's killing anybody," he said firmly, and she fixed him with a piercing stare.

"But it'd be so easy," she said coyly, wrapping an arm around Axel's thin shoulders. He glanced at the offending appendage and tried to shake her off, but she dug her nails in and he stopped, wincing. "Demyx can bring them their rain, and I'll bring them their lightning. It would be just one big accident." The hand went up to stroke his cheek, and Axel resisted the urge to flee. She was like an alligator: one false move, and she'd rip his head off.

"They've already had too many lightning storms," Demyx replied. "You keep making my rain showers turn into giant thunderstorms. People have already died."

"So what's another two or three?"

"You seem to forget, Larxene," Axel said coldly, "that our existence depends on their belief. They created us. When they stop believing in us, we disappear."

"Until the next batch creates us again," she snapped back, but even she knew that if that happened, they wouldn't be the same. They'd be different gods, tailored for different needs, their corporal shape warped to fit the ideals of a new religion. And Larxene liked her shape. She was freakin' pretty this time. And so, for all her talk, she never carried out her plans for mass extermination.

But there was a bit of a problem. Even though gods are near omnipotent, they must use their power wisely. They are governed, just as humans are, by higher forces. And said higher forces didn't like to be bothered day in and day out for rain and heat. So Demyx, even though he was the god of water, couldn't make it rain for at least another week. He had borrowed too much rain from the higher ups, and they were feeling a bit stingy, telling him he could have his water when they were good and ready to give it to him. Any more pestering would be considered abuse, and would be dealt with accordingly, mainly by the means of some serious community service. And Demyx did not want to be picking up the higher ups' trash. He had done it once, and it had been the most disgusting thing ever.

So to avoid having to pick up lost and discarded virginities, Demyx had to sit through another week of giant, tasteless coconuts. Larxene didn't complain; she loved coconuts, and Axel could care less for whatever plight Demyx had managed to fall into. None of the other gods cared as well, telling him that's what he got for trying to please the stupid humans.

Said stupid humans, however, were panicking even harder now, because by this time, there had been no rain for ten days, and the water supply was only two-thirds full. If this kept up, there would be no water left after about three months. It was an awful thought.

The priests really weren't helping matters either; in fact, they were making it much worse, screeching about how the gods had forsaken them because they were displeased with their offerings. And so, as these things happen, the people began talking about making blood sacrifices to the gods again. The priests apparently liked this idea, and soon, they began threatening worshippers with doom and damnation if they didn't start preparing the blood sacrifice.

The gods didn't like the idea as much as the people thought they would.

"I don't want a blood sacrifice!" wailed Demyx when he found out. "What if it's something cute!?"

"The sacrifice isn't going to you," Xemnas, the head god, said. "They're sacrificing to Axel." Axel looked up, startled, a bit of carrot hanging out of his mouth.

"Wuzzat?" he said, not too articulately. Xemnas glowered balefully at the fire god, who kind of looked contrite and swallowed, repeating, "What? Me?"

"Yes you," Xemnas told him. "If you would pay attention, you would have known. They think you're holding Demyx hostage, refusing to let him pour his water on their land. They reasoned that if you had a blood sacrifice, you'd be pleased and let the water go."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever head of," pronounced the fire god, setting down his fork with a bang. "Why the hell would I take Demyx hostage? He's not even that good looking." Demyx looked over at him, heartbreak written all over his face.

"That's not what you said last night!" the water god cried, dissolving into tears.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Axel answered flippantly.

"Moving on," said Xemnas, clearing his throat and shifting uncomfortably. "They think they've offended you, and they want to fall back in your favor." Axel shrugged.

"Whatever. All they're gonna do is leave me some dead animal, and I'll take it and tell them they can have their damned rain in two days. How's that?"

"Don't forget to make sure your sacrifice is truly dead," Saïx said without looking up from his plate of raw, bloody meat. "We all remember what happened last time."

"Zip it, moon-boy!" Marluxia snapped, pointing his fork at the moon god. The plant god had gone red in the face. "The alligator looked dead. How was I to know it was still breathing?!"

"That just shows how powerful you truly are. And when I say powerful, I mean weak," interjected Vexen.

"You know what? I want to know why you even exist," Marluxia told him. "This is a desert. There's no ice. So what the hell are you doing hanging around here, old man?"

"I stand for science!"

"You stand for ice. That's why nobody prays for you."

"I'm surrounded by idiots," mumbled Xemnas, and Saïx patted his arm sympathetically, still not looking up from his meat.

It was about two minutes later that Axel suddenly looked up at nothing, spiked hair twitching.

"They've left the sacrifice," he told no one in particular, and subsequently, no one paid attention to him as he stood up. "I'll be back," he addressed the group. "Don't touch my food." He left, and immediately, Xaldin, god of wind, stole the rest of his carrots.

"So," Xigbar said, leaning over to Demyx, "he doesn't treat you right. I can treat you right."

"Leave me alone," Demyx moaned, shoving potatoes in his mouth.

oOo

It was dark in the shrine once Axel arrived, and it took a few good minutes for his eyes to become used to the darkness. He could hear the clanging rattles of chain, and he sighed, wishing that these humans would stop sending living sacrifices. None of the gods (with the exception of Larxene) wanted blood, and it was such a pain in the ass to figure out what to do with an animal, especially it was big. Whatever was left for him sounded big, and he really didn't want to carry a giant water buffalo home. Not that the desert had water buffalo though.

A horrible though occurred to him. What if they had given him a camel? Axel pulled a face. "Camels stink," he said aloud, and the rattling stopped, cut off in startled seconds.

"Where are you!" a voice demanded, and Axel started in surprise. A human in the shrine with him? Impossible. Axel paused. No, it was possible that one of the priests might have accidentally stayed behind, or maybe it was one of the junior priests. Yeah, that seemed more likely; the junior priests were always screwing things up.

"I'm right here," Axel replied, and immediately, the large, braziers exploded into warm flame, lighting up the room.

He and the sacrifice stared at each other.

"Oh, hell no!" Axel yelled, startling the sacrifice chained to the altar, its blue eyes wide in the firelight. "What the hell! This is not a sacrifice! Sacrifices are freakin' cows cut up on the altar! Not this!"

"Well excuse me," the sacrifice snapped back, jerking on the chains. "I didn't ask for this."

The sacrifice was human, blatantly so, a young man dressed in nothing but a pair of light pants, the normal garb of the oasis people. Bright blonde hair fell into those shocking blue eyes, and Axel decided that he must be a foreigner, coloring so different from the darker natives. He was a skinny little thing, not much in way of muscle, but he had a nice body, Axel noticed, taking in that smooth chest, that flat stomach. Some little perverted part of him woke up and began drooling, and Axel's expression changed ever so slightly, greenish-blue eyes coming alive.

"Tell me," Axel said, moving closer, voice soft and sensual. The sacrifice inched as far back as the chains would allow him, heart hammering in his chest. Axel could hear it, and his predatory grin widened. He stopped moving as soon as he was looming over the blonde, faces aligned. "Are you a virgin?"

The blonde blanched at him, mouth hanging open. He tried to speak, garbled his word, and tried again. "I…you…what…get the hell away from me!" He kicked out, but Axel was quick and caught the blonde's ankle, holding his leg up and out, hands warm on human flesh.

"Such disrespect," Axel teased, rubbing supple skin. "You'll have to be punished for that. But first, you have a name, I presume?"

"Roxas," the blonde said haltingly, trying to subtly pull his leg out of the god's grasp. Really, this was getting ridiculous. It was bad enough when the priests had come to tell him he was going to be their sacrifice, but this just took the cake. Nobody had said anything about being a sacrifice to some pervert god who asked people if they were virgins. If he was a virgin, it was his own damn business.

"Roxas," Axel repeated, and Roxas' heart did a strange little flip-flop that wasn't really that unpleasant. Actually, it felt kind of nice. Mentally, he kicked himself. _ "Don't even go there. This is a god, not a goddess. There's a difference. He has the same thing you have. And you don't want to mess with god-wong. It probably shoots flame or something.,"_ he advised himself. But he didn't get to think much else, because at that moment, Axel began his punishment.

Punishment consisted of Axel's mouth on Roxas' toes. Luckily for Axel, Roxas had just come out of a full-body scrub down. Can't give a god a dirty sacrifice. Unluckily for Roxas, that meant his feet were super-sensitive, and once he felt Axel's tongue on his smallest toe, he nearly came out of his skin, gasping, tomato-red tinge blooming in a line across his face.

"What are you…?" There was more Roxas would have liked to say, but then teeth joined tongue, and Roxas' head lolled back, chest heaving. Axel looked up through his bangs, grinning evilly. Oh yes, this was going to be fun.

(oOo)

Part two of three(?) coming later. Because I can.

Yes, this is a short, but honestly, not many people are willing to read the really long ones. Two thousand words isn't bad, and if this goes on for another two chapters, it comes out pretty decently.

I don't think there's going to be a real lemon (I don't write lemons in past tense) but there will definitely be some sort of smut pervading the chapters. Maybe a light dabble into lemon territory. Expect some Axel/Roxas goodness in the last chapter; this is going out with a bang. A nice, boy-on-boy bang.

Don't forget to review on your way out!


	2. Part 2

**Part 2: The Induction**

Morgana Maeve

I graduated two days ago. And then lost my Honor's sash. And then threw a tantrum over losing it. BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT AND I CAN!!

Anyway, yeah, now I have no excuse. The tassel changed sides. I am now, officially, an adult. I feel weird, but I guess everybody does. It was fun, though. We had beach balls floating around until the principal popped it. And then we went crazy when the last name was called. It was like an orgy.

Warnings: Axel/Roxas. Perverseness. Perhaps language?

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Characters belong to Square and Disney.

.:oOo:.

Looking back at it, there were certain aspects of that initial encounter that Roxas knew he could have enjoyed at face value if he had been in the right frame of mind, using the term 'right frame of mind' as a euphemism for 'incredibly sex-starved.'

It wasn't everyday, he reflected some time later, that one happens to have a god bowing at one's feet. It happens even less often that it's an extremely hot god bowing at one's feet, no pun intended. The whole toe-fetish thing he could have done without, but still, it was a nice touch.

But this entire reflection happened some time later. At this current time, Roxas was definitely not in his happy place. In fact, he was so far removed from his happy place that he was in someone else's happy place. Namely Axel's happy place. And that was just fine with Axel.

He was playing a dangerous game with his little sacrifice; one false move and there went a good portion of Axel's teeth, but hey, they would grow back eventually. And besides, Roxas-feet tasted _good_. Axel could sit there and nibble all day.

See, that was the benefit of being a god. He could make up his own logic and it would work out perfectly.

"Enjoying yourself?" he asked Roxas wickedly, looking up, canine poking rakishly over his bottom lip as leered up at his sacrifice. There were other things that were poking as well, and that was all well and good because that table over there was perfect for tossing sacrifices over and ravishing them completely. The poking transformed into pointing, and no, that was definitely not a pencil down there. It was a great deal bigger than a pencil.

It is to Roxas' mile-long stubborn streak that all credit goes to because without it, Roxas probably wouldn't have had the power to answer. Left to his own devices, Roxas probably would have just stood there, moaning and sweating. But thanks to that annoying little voice that suddenly woke up and screamed, "This is _not _how our first time is going to be!" Roxas found the strength to lift his oddly limp neck and glare at the fire god in front of him.

"No, actually, I'm not," he snapped in his most petulant voice. It sounded impressive, a mortal becoming combative to a god, but then he slipped and said, "I want my first time to be special." Axel's eyes glinted, and Roxas almost kicked himself for letting that one fly out of his mouth.

_"Oh, good job there, buddy boy,"_ his inner Roxas said. _"Like that's gonna keep this one away."_

_"We don't want him away," _said another more menacing and husky voice. _"We'd like him to stay and get to know us a little better. Yeah, we'd like that a lot." _And to prove its point, the organ that voice just happened to control snapped to attention and_ waved _at Axel. _ "Here I am! And hey, I see you've got one too! Maybe you'd like to bring it over and we could hang out. Or we could go visit my friend, Mr. Mouth. I'm sure you'd like that." _Roxas gasped and fumbled with his tied hands, desperately trying to shut that thing up, hoping to everything that Axel couldn't read minds.

Well, Axel couldn't, but he could read facial expressions, and he had seen the look Roxas had on his face enough times to know that that bulge Roxas had in the front of his pants was not due to really bad ironing skills. He leaned closer to the blonde, arms on either side of Roxas' face, and whispered," Don't worry. I'll make it good for you." Roxas made a noise that classified as three quarters of a gurgle and one quarter of a gasp. Then Axel pressed his chest hard into Roxas', temperature in the room spiking dangerously, and Roxas thought he was going to die if he hadn't already. The fire god let his fingers trail lightly over Roxas' bare arms, little patches of burning heat on his skin, and it was then that Roxas knew he was branded. If he ever escaped this, and he was fairly certain he didn't want to, nothing would ever compare to this moment. Nothing.

Moisture and heat increased as Axel nuzzled his neck, lips on willing skin, blazing a snaking path up to Roxas' ear, teeth closing down on soft flesh. Roxas lost himself and whimpered, leg rising of its own accord to wind around Axel's ankle, insistently pushing him closer.

_"Got you now,"_ Axel thought, slipping one thin arm between their bodies, searching for that secret place of hard warmth in his palm.

What happened next was a combination of horrific bad timing and some really nasty karma.

There was a loud pop and flash of light, and Roxas went stiff beneath him, body suddenly very, very cold. Confused and disoriented, spots dancing before his eyes, Axel looked up, pissed to hell.

Zexion stood a few feet away, hands over his eyes, face a stoic mask. "Xemnas says to get both of your stupid heads back home," the scribe god reported to no one in particular. "He also says that you should bring your sacrifice back to the palace, to make a good impression. Alive, mind you." Zexion paused. "And Xaldin's eating all the carrots."

If it had just been Xemnas ordering him back, Axel would have told Zexion to shove it and leave him alone, but the carrots were another thing entirely. He didn't care that Xaldin was technically a higher-ranking god than he was; no one, and he meant no one, touched his carrots. That wind god had another thing coming.

"You," he addressed Roxas. "Come now. With me." Roxas stared at him. "Come on!" Axel said irritably. "My carrots are in danger! We have to go now."

"I don't know if you noticed this," Roxas started, "but I'm kind of tied to his altar!" he finished, voice loud in the small room. Axel flinched back and Zexion shuddered a bit. Stupid, obnoxious sacrifices. They think they're all that just because they're chosen to be given to the gods.

"Well then, I'll help you," Axel snapped, walking up to the glaring sacrifice. They entered a staring match that Roxas lost in seconds as Axel suddenly reached over and picked him clear up, slinging the stunned blonde over his shoulder. Three seconds later, the two gods returned to their cliché palace in the clouds, screeching Roxas in tow, pounding with balled fists on Axel's back. He was going to be sporting an impressive set of bruises come the next day.

"What the hell'd they send you?" asked Marluxia, who had been waiting for them. "A tiger?"

"Nope. They sent me a feisty virgin!" Axel answered happily, and Roxas started flailing, invoking an image of the caterpillar's final struggle against the mighty bird of doom.

"Won't be one for long," Larxene amended, appearing out of nowhere and falling into step with Axel. "Not after you're done with him." Her hand lingered too long on Axel's arm, and Roxas had to fight the strange urge to lean down and bite it. Axel's grip tightened on Roxas' waist, fingers curling around his bottom in a sly grope. Roxas yelped.

"Mine. Not yours," he told the goddess, and in hushed tones told Roxas, "Tread lightly around that one. She'll kill you." Unseen to him, Roxas blanched and gulped hard. What had he gotten himself into?

The rag-tag group of higher beings made their way through a labyrinth of corridors and halls, twisting and turning until Roxas began to feel seasick riding on Axel's shoulders.

_"Better get used to it."_ That ominous voice had reappeared. _"'Cause we're gonna be riding this one a lot."_ Heat rushed up Roxas' face and collected in his nose, threatening to drip out onto Axel's pristine robe.

_"Stop it,"_ he commanded mentally. _"You got us into this. I'm taking us out."_

_"Your sexual preference got you into this," _the voice said lazily. _"It's not my fault you like guys."_

_"Shut up!"_

_"But you do."_

_"Not exclusively!" _he hissed, gritting his teeth. _"Hayner started it anyway. He was the one who suggested that stupid kissing game!"_

_"But you went along with it. And surprise! It led to me."_ The voice snickered.

_"I was curious!" _Roxas wailed in his mind. _"I didn't know what was going on!"_

_"Curiosity is always a killer,"_ the voice agreed, sounding almost kind for once. Then it ruined the moment. "_You're lucky you're not a girl. You'd have so many kids right now if you were, curious as you are."_

_"I hate you," _Roxas whispered.

_"Love you too, babes."_

"And we're here!" Axel sang out, breaking Roxas out of his slightly schizophrenic thoughts. For a second, Roxas didn't know where 'here' was, but as he stared at the obnoxiously large fireball carved into the wood, he could make a reasonable guess as to 'here's' identity.

Axel didn't put Roxas down for a second, choosing instead to simply kick in the door and stride into the room, kicking the door shut behind him. Roxas had only a few seconds glimpse of blurry red before everything went topsy-turvy and upside down, and then, surprise, he found himself lying flat on his back on a very large bed. Instincts screamed at him to jump and run, but hormones kicked in and said, "Wait, wait, let's see where this goes."

It went to Axel crawling onto the bed as well, draping one long and thin arm over Roxas' bare chest. Moisture began again as Axel let his hand brush lingeringly across the expanse of skin, finding things to poke and tweak in ways that made Roxas wish his hands were untied to he could fly up and attach himself permanently to the fire god.

The hand made its way down to his stomach, and Roxas sucked in his last breath, afraid to breathe, terrified this tenuous moment would vanish. Experienced fingers caressed in gentle patterns, drawing unknown letters on soft, supple skin, teasing minutes into hours.

"Please," whispered Roxas without meaning to, blistering words falling out of his mouth. "Please." Somewhere, lost with the folds of ecstasy, a part of him stirred and rebelled, tried to kill the jolts of pleasure traveling through his body, tried to smother the intense need to be held and loved with pragmatic reasons why this should not happen, could not happen, would not happen. But neither Roxas nor Axel cared.

"We haven't been properly introduced yet," Axel whispered back, rolling over, bracing himself on his elbows over Roxas. One knee slipped between the blonde's legs and pressed lightly, and fiery shudders broke all over Roxas' body. "I'm Axel." Breath ghosted on Roxas' mouth, and Axel leaned down to claim it as his own, lips parted. Roxas strained up, arms tied and stretched beyond his head, wanting that hard embrace, fierce desire rushing through his brain blanking out all other thoughts except the last lucid one that pleaded, "Kiss me now, kiss me now, oh please before I die, kiss me."

Scant inches separated them, and Axel paused, in no particular hurry, and repositioned himself as Roxas squirmed beneath him, tilting his head to better his angle and make the kiss deeper. Heat radiated from their bodies and pooled together in beads of sweat, and their lips almost touched.

Almost, but not quite, for at that moment, who should burst into the room but Xemnas. And he looked livid.

"Axel!" he bellowed, and the aforementioned literally sprang off the bed, falling to the floor with a loud thud and a groan. Xemnas apparently didn't care. "Didn't Zexion tell you I needed to see you? The higher ups want to talk with you, and I can't keep them waiting. You have three minutes to make yourself as presentable as possible, starting now. Get moving!" With that, he left, slamming the door in his wake. Axel stood up and cursed.

"What did I do!" he yelled to no one. "Why is my karma so completely screwed up today? What did I do? All I want is a little action! Is that so hard to ask for? Just a little bit? Why am I always interrupted?" He stomped towards the door, and then whirled around, pointing a finger at Roxas. "You stay there! Don't move! I'm not done with you!" Roxas cringed and almost curled into a ball as the door slammed for the third time.

"Dammit!" he exclaimed.

"Hey, hey you, kid!" came a sly voice, and Roxas jumped in startled surprise as Xigbar, the prankster god, waltzed out of the closet.

"I'm not a kid. I'm legal," Roxas said sullenly, but Xigbar pretended not to hear him. He sat on the bed and put an arm around Roxas' slumping shoulders, grinning at him.

"You want some ice cream?" Xigbar asked. "I have popsicle you can lick." He pointed to his pants.

"That's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard," Roxas told him, and Xigbar visibly deflated, eye-patch drooping dejectedly.

.:oOo:.

Ultra-special bonus: A Day in the Life of Morgana Maeve.

At three in the morning, she wakes up, suffocating because her room's overheated and the humidifier thing has shut itself off. Still half-asleep, she contemplates tossing the excess water out the window but then decides to brave the dark stairs without her glasses on to dump it in the sink. Mission accomplished, and she falls back asleep.

At seven-thirty in the morning, she is awakened by her father who wants her to help weed the stupid hill outside. Grumbling, she disappears for a not-so-relaxing shower and then sands her door down so she won't have to do it later. (She's moving soon and everything needs to be perfect.)

By around eight-thirty, she is outside in the humid air, picking up pieces of bush her father is manically chopping down. Her mother, who is supposed to be helping, is playing computer games.

By ten, no one wants to work anymore, and she escapes to the laptop, where she begins writing random Axel/Roxas porn.

At twelve-thirty, her mother catches her doing 'nothing' and attempts to confiscate the computer. Morgana tries to hide all incriminating windows. She is then asked if she has looked for any scholarships for college. The answer is negative. Disappointment ensues.

At twelve-forty-five, Morgana is inside, practicing the piccolo. She hates it, and five minutes later, the piccolo is tossed out the window and she is back on the computer, finishing up the porn.

Two comes around, and it's time to go food shopping. Oh joy. Fruit is bought in bulk, and meat is skimpy. She cannot survive on this diet much longer.

Three, and she's back on the computer, looking at YouTube videos.

Five in the afternoon, it's raining, and Morgana's finally done with the new chapter. Editing will resume later.

At seven, she goes to the basement to work out and watch pathetic horror movies on FearNet. Parents are not pleased with lack of progress from their daughter

By eight, she has monopolized the TV and is playing Kingdom Hearts II. Her father comes downstairs just in time to see his only child burst into tears as Axel dies on the screen. He looks from his sobbing, supposedly-adult daughter to the screen and then asks, "Why are you crying?" She blubbers something about Axel being dead, and he looks up to the ceiling and asks, "Why was I given such a retarded kid?" Then he leaves and her mother wants to watch _Michael Clayton_, so that's it for KHII.

And if you think that was cold-blooded of him, you should have seen the whole prom incident. Basically, Morgana met a guy at prom, decided that guy was hot, saw a movie with guy, and then guy texts her saying he's back with his girlfriend, see you later. When she told her father what happened, the response was, "If your head was in the right place, you'd be studying right now and not caring about guys." Mind you, this happened in late May, which is too late to learn anything new in school and too early to start studying for finals.

For the rest of the night, Morgana is either on the computer or leveling up her Drive forms. Eventually, she sleeps, and is then woken up by her best male friend calling her to ask if she wants to see a movie sometime. Verbal abuse and sparring follows and then the humidifier stops working again, and she must drain it. Life continues on.


	3. Part 3

Part 3: Termination and Reinstallation

Morgana Maeve

I'M NOT DEAD! I finally got Internet again! Woohoo! Onward with the crack of doom! (No, I am not high on my socks, thanks for asking.)

Warning: Axel/Roxas. Crack. Perverseness. Weirdness.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot. Characters come from Kingdom Hearts.

oOo

The higher ups all wore long black robes, hoods obscuring their faces. There were just three this time, sitting in their chairs, looming up above Axel. He had to crane his neck just to see their crotches. That was not something he wanted to see, and he kept his eye firmly on the legs of their chair.

"Axel," one said, its voice booming. "God of fire."

"Yeah?" he answered insolently, letting his eyes rise to its kneecaps. "You wanted to see me?"

"We understand you have obtained a sacrifice," another one said, pulling out a giant clipboard. "Human. Male. A virgin."

_"I knew it,"_ Axel thought excitedly, devious grin lighting up his face. _"Fun, fun, fun."_

"Are you aware that you are breaking several codes of conduct with this sacrifice?" the third one asked, and Axel felt his grin die.

"Codes of conduct?" he repeated unintelligently, frowning at the higher ups. "What codes of conduct?"

"In Sector six, letter B, subunit four, roman numeral thirteen, it states that any god and/or goddess must fill out the proper forms for obtaining a sacrifice. You have not done so."

"I need to fill out a form?!"

"Several forms actually," said the middle one. "There's the Form of Intent, the Form of Sexual Conduct, the Form of Promiscuity/Loyalty, and we also need you to fill out a survey about whether or not you enjoyed your sacrifice."

"I'd enjoy my sacrifice a lot more if you guys weren't bothering me about forms!" Axel yelled.

"That reminds me," said the one of the far left, "you haven't updated your yearly Sexual Preference worksheet yet."

"I'm a god! I don't have a sexual preference!"

"Then I can assume that a simple check in the 'Bisexual' box will suffice?" asked the one on the right, scribbling something in its notebook.

"That's fine," Axel answered. He really didn't care if they checked off 'trisexual' as long as he could get back to his Roxas.

"Which brings us to another point," the middle one said, and Axel decided that he really didn't like that one. He wondered if the higher ups were flammable. It'd be worth a try. "We've heard a number of stories about your sexual prowess."

"A number of disturbing stories, actually," the middle one butted in. "We've gotten complaints from numerous gods who are currently sharing the palace. Vexen, god of science and ice, has filed the most."

"Oh, ew, no." Axel cringed. "I can explain that one. I was drunk, he was there, and stuff just happened. I was horrified when I found out."

"He's filed complaints about your noise level," the middle one said. "And we've gotten further complaints from Demyx, god of water, Marluxia, god of flowers, and Larxene, goddess of lightning. Care to explain any of those?"

"She drugged me," Axel pointed out. "I wanted nothing to do with her. She had me chained to the bed."

"We've also head reports from our human resources that you've been with at least six priests, two junior priests, five priestesses, and several locals."

"Lies," Axel spat. "It was never that many. Somebody's lying."

"Regardless," the middle one said, "you're worse than Zeus."

"No one is as bad as Zeus," Axel defended himself. "And Zeus taught me all I know."

"Figures," the taller of the higher ups said. "Remember the problems he used to give us? Seducing a girl as a bull. What next?"

"I'm surprised Hera stayed with him," the left higher up said. "That boy was trouble. So was Hercules."

"Don't get me started on Hercules," the middle one groaned. "Stupid little ass that he was. I'm glad they shipped him off."

"Can I go now?" Axel asked, inching to the door, which at that moment, decided to burst open, smashing into his face.

"Axel, save me!" Roxas yelled, running in, arms outstretched, near tears. "Xigbar's gonna rape me!

"Roxas!" Axel yelled back, opening his arms to the blonde. It was like a cheesy scene from a bad romance movie: the teary heroine runs in slow motion to the dashing hero, who sweeps her off her feet into a breathtaking kiss. Neither one noticed the higher ups stiffen and stare. "I'll protect you!"

Roxas stopped short. "You're bleeding. Profusely."

"I'm a god. I don't bleed," Axel said proudly, sitting his hands on his hips. Blood gushed from his nose.

"That's not true," one of the higher ups said. "You're bleeding right now."

"Dammit!" Axel yelled, ripping off a key part of his robe and plugging his nose with it. Amazingly, as it were – this could never be recreated in normal life – the rest of the robe fell off. And he wasn't wearing anything under.

Roxas knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself.

_"That's pretty big, isn't it?"_ the little perverted voice, starting up again. _ "Wouldn't mind that inside of you, would you?" _He actually shuddered, and it wasn't from nerves. Axel noticed.

"You want to go?" he asked, and then grinned wolfishly. "Or do you want to come?" he added suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

"I, er, you, that is, uh," Roxas stated intelligently.

"You can't leave until you finish your forms," the higher up on the right intoned. "And we'll have to…hold…your sacrifice until they're completed.

"How about I do something else and you forget about those forms?" Axel asked. The higher ups turned to each other and discussed.

"Well, there is one thing you can do," one said, rubbing its hands together.

"Yeah? What?"

"You can give us your sacrifice's virginity!" they all yelled at the same time, and the air became that much more perverted. Axel and Roxas stared at the higher ups.

"My _what_!" Roxas yelled, red blooming on his face.

"We never get cute sacrifices!" the higher ups explained. "And you're beyond cute. You're hot. So can't you just indulge us?" The drool pattered on the floor in great, nasty plops. Axel stared at them in horrified disgust.

"Out. We're leaving," he said shortly, grabbing Roxas' arms and leading him out. "I'll do the forms when I feel like it," he told three very disappointed higher ups.

"What was that?" Roxas asked him once they were safely back in halls. "And can't you put on some clothes?"

"Why? Am I turning you on?" Axel answered back, smirking at him. "And who untied you?"

"Xigbar," Roxas said absently, and then white light exploded around him.

"That's one for the photo album," Xaldin said, laughing.

"You! You ate my carrots!" Axel yelled, blinking furiously. "I'll kill you!"

"If you can catch me!" Xaldin laughed, running away.

"Damn you!" Axel exclaimed, crashing into a wall.

"Be careful!" Roxas cautioned, bending down and picking up Axel's shoulders. "You're going to hurt yourself that way."

"So you do care about me!" Axel said happily, beaming up at Roxas.

_"No, we just want your sex,"_ the pervert-voice said, and the little mental Roxas jumped on it and strangled it, beating its head into the metaphorical floor.

_"You be quiet now!"_ the mental Roxas commanded. _"And you!"_ it yelled, pointing a fat little finger at the mental Axel. _"Sex us up now!"_

_"My own body rebels against me!" _Roxas thought in horror.

_"Don't forget your mind,"_ the inner-Roxas added happily. "_I don't listen to you much either."_ Roxas could just feel it smirking. _"You could say I'm a mind of my own."_

Anybody else would have been disturbed by this mental conversation. Roxas was just suspicious. "I recognize your voice," he told it.

"Well, you should, being as I'm you." It giggled.

"But you're not," Roxas countered. "That's not my voice. You're a different voice. And I know it. I know I know it."

"Remember that one crazy night," the inner-Roxas began. "You were with Hayner, and he brought out his special 'Epic-Win-Mixture-Of-Rum-And-Tequila?"

In fact, Roxas did not remember that night, but that might have been because of the copious amount of drink he had consumed. He doubted that Hayner remembered it either.

"Well, anyway," the voice continued, "that stuff is pure alcohol. One hundred percent proof. All you have to do it look at it to get drunk. And you downed the entire bottle."

"So what, did it give me schizophrenic mind abilities?" Roxas asked it, contempt laced in his voice.

"Oh no, it didn't. But do you want to know why that thing was so alcoholic? It was my prison, you know," the voice said. "I was entombed there for fifty years, and guess what? You drank me, along with the alcohol, which is my…element, if you will."

"Please don't tell me you're a god."

"Then I won't." Roxas groaned and executed a perfect face-plant into his hands.

"Who are you? Dionysus or something?"

"Close," the inner-Roxas lilted. "We're like, ninth cousins, or something. But I'll give you a hint. You dreamed of me every singly day for about two months last year."

Roxas froze. "It's you!" he bellowed.

"It's me!" the inner-Roxas said, its blonde hair morphing into spiky brown hair that bobbed ecstatically. "Your good old friend from your dreams, Sora!"

"It was you who gave me all those crazy sex-dreams?" Roxas wailed, wavy blue lines forming by the side of his head.

"Well yeah, I got bored, and your dreams were stupid."

"They were not stupid!"

"You dreamt of pink poodles once. You needed a change of pace. And I have needs too. It worked out for both of us."

"It didn't work out for my sheets," Roxas hissed.

"So? They were a casualty. Big deal." Sora flapped his hand. "It's not my fault that the only stuff I can control from inside your body are your brains and that thing that hangs down your boxer-shorts."

"Do you know you're talking to yourself?" Axel asked him.

"I what?" Roxas repeated from the depths of his hands.

"You were talking to yourself." Axel sounded awed. "And you answered back. In a different voice."

_"Ha ha, oops,"_ Sora said, sounding not the least bit sorry.

_"I don't like you,"_ Roxas snarled back. Picking up his face from his hands, Roxas tried to school his features into the impeccable deadpan he was a master at creating. "Don't you want to go somewhere?" he asked Axel through clenched teeth. Axel took a step back in fear.

"Your eye is twitching," he said quietly.

"No, it's not," Roxas ground out. "It's perfectly fine." Axel was not going to bother messing with that. Angry-Roxas was a scary-Roxas.

"Okay," Axel said, putting up his hands in supplicating defense. Only, he didn't have hands. There wasn't any blood or anything; the just weren't there from the wrist up.

There was silence.

"Holy crap!" Axel yelled, waving his handless appendages around. "Holy crap!"

"Wh-wh-what happened!?" Roxas screeched, pointing with a shaking finger to Axel's missing parts.

"I don't know! They were just there!"

"But they're gone! Did they fall off?"

"Help me find them!" Axel begged, dropping to his…elbows…and knees. "Maybe they rolled somewhere!"

"Axel!" Both god and human looked up guiltily at the figure storming towards them. And boy, was Xemnas pissed. Pissed to hell. And quite possibly, back. "Do you see what I see?!" he growled ominously, pulling open his toga from neck to waist. Axel stared and Roxas gaped.

The head god had a neck. He had arms. He had hands. From all appearances, he had legs. But he didn't have a torso. His neck simply stopped and did not continue into anything. So did his shoulders.

"Do you have idea how uncomfortably weird this is?" Xemnas snapped at the fire-god. Axel pulled a face somewhere between cringing and snickering and then choked. Xemnas was strangling him. "I'll kill you!"

Luckily, both were interrupted by Demyx, who was fleeing down the hallway like a chicken without its head. Roxas stared at him, eyes ready to pop out of their sockets and ooze down his face into a gooey puddle on the floor. Xemnas dropped Axel in shock, and hurried over the water-god, head floating above nothing but a pair of legs. Axel gasped and sputtered.

"Little buddy!" he cried out. Demyx cracked into a statue and toppled over it. "Oh my, human! Your head is gone!"

_"Well this is not good,"_ Sora muttered.

-o-

Even though he wasn't a god (Absorbed, banished gods don't count.), Roxas still tagged along with the handless Axel and the headless Demyx to the emergency meeting. All of the divine beings present had parts missing, ranging from hands, heads, torsos, legs, hair, and of course, boobs.

"My boobs are gone," Larxene informed Axel. "I liked my boobs. And I know you're involved in this. Somehow."

"Actually, for once, Axel isn't directly responsible," Zexion said. He looked funny with a completely bald head, but no one was laughing. "Newcomers have arrived in the oasis. And they've brought their religion with them."

"Oh no, not again," Saïx muttered. He was the only god who wasn't missing something…no wait, never mind. Roxas just didn't know Saïx usually had a giant scar on his face.

Zexion frowned. "The same as always. Invaders who want to spread the truth of their religion. They've already begun attacking the shrines. They don't believe in idols."

"We should get Roxas out of here," Axel said, and there was a mumbled agreement. "You don't want to be here when this place collapses. How much longer do we have left?"

"Not long," Zexion answered. "They've gone after Larxene's shrine first. It's almost done burning." Everyone turned to the lightning-goddess, and she smiled ruefully.

"I guess this is it," she said, eyes narrowed. Her body began to fade in and out of existence until finally, all that was left was a ghostly imprint that disappeared slowly like a summer wind's sigh.

"This really sucks," Xigbar complained, watching as his feet guttered.

"Is there anything we can do?" Saïx asked Xemnas.

"No," the head-god answered flatly. "Our followers are dead, aren't they?"

Zexion nodded. "All the priests and priestesses. And with them died our power. We'll be born again, different."

"And I was just getting used to this form too, Xigbar sighed, winking out of existence, words fading off into oblivion.

"Axel," the scribe-god commanded. "Take Roxas somewhere safe. These invaders are caught in a bloodlust right now. They'll kill him if they find him. Take him to edge of the oasis and leave him in the desert. There are women camped there. They'll take good care of him." Axel nodded, and though his body resisted with every fiber of its created existence, he beckoned the horrified human to follow him, pausing just long enough to watch Demyx slip from corporal sight.

They hurried down the halls, and Roxas looked in sadness at the ruin about him. The walls were no longer white but a sickly gray, peeling at the corners, flaking away to reveal a blood-red sky. Wind tugged at his feet, pulling him back, and it was only through sheer determination that Roxas kept up with the god. The floor rocked beneath his feet, cracks creating a spider-web of tenuous solidity.

"This isn't funny," he said, and Axel nodded.

"Tell me about it," he answered, and the stopped in front of a small, nondescript door. "This will take you to the desert," he said. His body faded for a second, and Roxas' heart leapt to his throat. "Go, hurry!"

Roxas took a hesitant step forward, hand resting lightly on the doorknob, but at the last second, he turned back, facing Axel. "I won't go," he said stubbornly. "Not without a promise." The ceiling around them began to crumble, raining down in pallid. Axel sucked in a breath.

"This is no time for romanticism," Axel said desperately. "Now go!"

Roxas took another step…in the wrong direction. He planted himself right in front of Axel's fading body and stood on tiptoes.

"If you don't find me within five years, I'll never forgive you," Roxas hissed, and then sealed the deal with a kiss. It was a hurried, mashed kiss, not one that Axel would ever be proud of, but it was a kiss nonetheless, and it was what Axel took with him into that dark place where all displaced gods go. As for Roxas, he could still feel the imprint of Axel's lips on his mouth, could still taste Axel's lips, even as he thrust open the door with a violence and stepped through it into blinding light.

-S-I-X-Y-E-A-R-S-L-A-T-E-R-

Roxas, rightfully so, gave up on ever seeing Axel again, and he never talked about his experience to anyone. He was the last survivor of a religion destroyed, and the women of the camp had taken good care of him. He made new friends, and was generally accepted, but it always felt that something was missing.

_"Of course something's missing,"_ Sora told him. _"You didn't get laid. You need to get laid. What about that guy over there? The one with the purple-silver hair? He looks good."_

"Oh, put a sock in it," Roxas snapped half-heartedly, not even bothering to think it.

"But I didn't say anything," said a timid voice behind him. Roxas whirled around. "I'm sorry!" squeaked the speaker, a lanky, sandy-haired kid. Roxas stared at him.

"No, not, it's okay." Roxas forced his mouth to move. There was no way…he was seeing things…this couldn't possibly be real. And yet, he found himself staring over the kid's shoulder, hoping and praying…

"I'm Emyd, by the way," the kid was saying. "And this is my brother's friend." He pointed to the empty space next to him and then realized it was empty. "Hey! Lae! Get over here!"

Something fluttered suspiciously in Roxas' chest.

"Whaddaya want, shrimp-basket?" Something tall and lean and red-haired sauntered over and Roxas thought he was going to die. The hair was different, longer and straight, and the marks under his eyes were gone, but there he was, standing right before him. "Hey, how _you_ doin'?" Lae asked Roxas, wriggling his eyebrows.

"I found you," Roxas said.

"No, I found you," Lae answered back, putting an arm around Roxas' shoulders. Emyd frowned at them and rolled his eyes, walking off.

_"You did this, didn't you?"_ Roxas asked Sora.

_"I might have a few connections," _the brunette said silkily. _"And besides, we both knew you wanted to bang him."_

"Speaking of," said Roxas aloud, looking up at Lae, who smiled down at the blonde and leaned in for a kiss. He met resisting hand.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"You made me wait," Roxas stated. "Six damn years. No sex for you for a week!"

"What? No!" yelled Lae. "You don't understand! I'll die if I don't have sex! I need your virginity to live!"

"You'll just have to content yourself with this." Roxas reached up and kissed him for his worth. And this time, it was slow and wet and utterly delicious.

oOo

This is not the end. Close to, but not the end. There will be a lemon.

So like yeah, I love how Axel/Xemnas and Axel/Xigbar aren't even crack pairings. There is no love there! We'll have to see how badly Axel/Xaldin does. (Cookies to anybody who knows what I'm talking about.)

Please remember to read and review!


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